The Unwanted Roomate

"There is so much that life offers and so often we cut ourselves off from the things that has given us joy because of feelings of betrayal, shame, frustration or simply abandonment. These emotions are the key to finding freedom in this life. All of us have these emotional experiences. How we handle these experiences and learn to see past them, we will see it has taught us compassion, acceptance, understanding, and wisdom. The ability to see past the bad and into the good is essential for learning to live a happy life"

A client wrote me this wonderful letter.

the above quote is an excerpt from it.

I'm struggling

Struggling with what you ask?

lets just keep it simple and say everything.

(Que extra dramatic sentence so you really FEEL me)

I feel like I've been on the struggle bus so long

 I've forgotten that there was a time where I wasn't on it.

The thing about sadness is its a liar

it makes you feel like your alone

it makes you feel defeated.

It makes you feel like all roads lead to the same place and in the end it wont matter.

Apparently I love to feel worthless.

I also love to find things that make me feel as such.

I like to feel validated in my worthless-ness.

Worthless and I are like two peas in a pod.

BESTIES 4 LIFE
I got the tattoo on my ass just to prove it.
(jk not really) 

When worthless showed up a couple of years ago I was super skeptical.

But after awhile he just kept showing up.

I'm a big fan of consistency so...

I just kind of got used to him

  I kind of left him unchecked for awhile.

Until one day someone asked me what was up with him.

I checked it out and lo and behold he had moved himself in.

Built a nice flat.

Had a couple of babies.

Also, turns out he is a very destructive renter.

Actually Worthless is a lot like the Mucinex guy from the commercials.

I wish Mucinex would work on Worthless...

ANYWAYS

About two years ago I started moving his stuff out and cleaning up shop.

Which was and is to this day so hard.

He was so predictable and familiar and in the worst way he was comfortable.

and maybe just the right amount of toxic to make me feel like I had some illusion of control

the good days.

they grow longer and longer.

the bad days grow shorter and shorter.

but they still exsist.

which is frustrating.

so unbelievably frustrating.

I know hes no good.

I know if I let him in all he will do is destroy.

but sometimes, sometimes it's nice to have him stay for the night you know?

sometimes its easier.

it's so much easier to let him stay.

But the destruction, is the worst.

walking into a room I've spent so long tying to clean up only to see it in shambles again is the worst.

realizing it has won again

is the worst.

Why is it so easy to feel like a failure?

Why is it so hard to remember the good

and so easy to remember the bad?

Why is it that we cut ourselves off and self sabotage?

Why is it so hard to be kind to ourselves?

Why is it that we feel like we've moved backwards if we find ourselves back where we started?

But we don't recognize how long its been since we've been back there.

we are fighters.

learning to handle our humanness.

and yet we can extend forgiveness to others

but never to ourselves.

Spiders with legs for days.

I live in a basement apartment.

spiders are regrettably very much a thing.

They started out how most things do.

They were little at first.

A few shrieks from my roommate yelling for me to save her.

I would come running.

I'd kill it and peace would once again reign.

They were nothing too scary. Nothing I couldn't handle.

Even though I'm not a fan of killing things.

Or Spiders.

But some how I had become the spider killer in the household.

Which is oh so laughable.

 That is... until the start of it all began.

I think it was a strategic war plan on their part.

Planned months in advanced.

Kadey and I were under siege and we had no idea.

It was a Monday night.

I was watching TV while Kadey got ready for this social life she has.

When all I heard was the biggest scream and my name being yelled out and I ran into the bathroom.

I thought she was over reacting.

But this spider was HUGE.

And fast.

And I may have peed my pants a little.

But you know it wasn't the time to chicken out here.

I had a mini blood sucking horse in my bathroom.
Which I might add was not paying rent.
rude.

SO with us both screaming and freaking out I killed it.
Very messily with a shoe and terror in our eyes.

Kadey even drew a picture to depict the debacle.

Such an artist.
I keep it on our fridge.

But this was just the beginning.

Because Hobo spiders the size of 50 cent pieces were being found EVERYWHERE.
So we started trapping them.
In mixing bowls, cups and mugs.

They would sit there for days until someone brave enough to face the giants would throw down the gauntlet and ask for a battle of honor.
Or I would trip over it and accidentally release the craken.
Thankfully our suitors were well equipped though.
They've won every time.


Unfortunately the Spiders weren't deterred from their family members starving to death in front of everyone
and then eventually disappearing.


So we sprayed and they went away for a few months.
Then I walked into my house the other day and...

The Spider Prison has made it's come back...
Anyone know how long it takes for a spider to starve to death?

The Golden Cow of Doom

No one tells you that after you graduate and start your career that
finding friends and a social life is like... trying to use a lighter when you don't have any thumbs.
Incredibly hard.

When I first moved to Utah I commuted an hour each way to my job.
I had no life.

But it worked for me at the time.
It was as time consuming and hard as I expected it to be.
I knew it wouldn't last for ever and it would be worth everything ten times over.

So when I made my move to the city a year and a half later
 I moved into a spacious apartment with one roommate.

It was exciting, scary and everything I wanted for myself at the time.

Turns out my roommate has a lover boy and because of such I see her (maybe) once a week.

therefore I practically live by myself and then every once in a while 

she comes home and we have a slumber party.

Which is like the freaking golden cow right?
Because the end goal is to get my own apartment someday and now I do with half the rent.

So here I was in my golden cow apartment.
With all this free time I hadn't had in a solid year and a half.
I thought it would be paradise.

Except I had literally been in survival mode for a year and a half.
I had absolutely no idea how to shut it off.
Let alone figure out how to have a social life.

Someone should've given me a pamphlet.
A cheesy pamphlet with awkward titles and horrible coloring.
 But contains 5 easy steps and maybe a help line.

I mean who wants to parade around a room and save face?
No one.
No one wants to campaign for friendship.
Especially at 24.

So how do you start having a life outside of work?
How do you do it?
I mean it's so overwhelming and somewhat depressing because it's all so new.

To be honest I didn't really know who I was as a career woman.
Do I like going out?
Shopping?
Do I like to go to movies?
Am I more of an at home chef?
I didn't know!
 I hadn't really indulged in myself in a year and a half.

It felt like a freaking free for all.

And let's face it telling your parents during your weekly call home
 that no, I haven't been out this week doing anything fun.
Nope, don't mean to disappoint but I haven't met the love of my life this week either.
I'm sorry to report we are no closer to grandbabies then we were last week.

It doesn't really fly well.

Hi mom :)

But on top of everything else I found out that I freaking hated living in an empty house.
My golden cow apartment was now the golden cow of doom.

Talk about joy kill.

I mean I am Miss Independent y'all.

Miss Independents don't need nobody.

But the facts were a such.

I had become the girl that works hard and well... didn't play hard.

I had become a hermit.

I know.

the realization shocked me as well.

I was in a real slump and it wasn't changing any time soon.

It was time to figure how to be less lonely and grumpy in an empty house and maybe find some friends too.. if possible.

So..
Operation: Reconnaissance: The Golden Cow
began.

Because I'm worth it

*que dramatic flip of hair and dashing smile.

ANYWAYS.
Phase One: #TastyTuesday

It's exactly how it sounds... this time.

Tasty Tuesday was the very beginning of this journey that I'm very much still in the middle of.

The journey of getting me out of my house.

I have a friend that lives out of the city and she was talking to me one day about how she wanted to  come up and see me and go out to eat.

She wanted a night on the town.

Quickly and with the most dignity I could muster I said

"Yes please, I'm desperate"

subtly is my specialty what can I say?

Anyways we set up a time and I hounded her for where she wanted to eat.

Her response was incredibly boring

(no offense. you know I love you.)

She wanted to do Café Rio.

Which OKAY yeah.

It's good.

But she could get Café Rio ANYWHERE.

This girl was going to drive 45 minutes into the city to eat somewhere she can eat at home.

I mean that's nice but.... no.

So I made her pick the type of food she wanted and I'd would do the rest.

There are TONS of wonderful restaurants in this city.

Plus, I'm a deprived foodie.

It was time to self indulge a bit.

She picked Greek and I did the research and we were in business.

After our first #TastyTuesday at a Greek restaurant down town.

We booked the next 3.

Every first Tuesday of the month she comes down and we pick some random genre of food that we've never tried before and we adventure together.

Because I am such a sucker for adventure... and food.

.

Hi, my name is Kaelyn.

(Although I'm sure this is not new news if you're reading this post.)

But in case you have been in deep space nine without internet connection

that's me on the right.

I'm 24 and I live in Utah.

I'm what some people call an "adult"

However I have absolutely no idea what that means.

But whatever it is I'm fairly certain it was a giant mistake.

I mean I can't even figure out how to fold my laundry after I've washed it.

I even throw tantrums.

Apparently it's a thing your supposed to grow out of.

Nope, not this girl.

But I digress.

I am a Hair Stylist and I absolutely love what I do.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

It is the most fulfilling job I've ever had.

Making people feel as beautiful on the outside as they are on the inside is a dream come true.

I'm also a gluten free, dairy free and as of late refined sugar free.

My health has been something I've been focusing on since May 2013.

I love love love food.
Sometimes it doesn't love me back.
Sometimes it feels more like a divorce.

I've also moved into an apartment in the city at the beginning of this year.

And although it's been everything I could want and more.

I'm still very much learning how to exist as a 24 year old single women in this place.

Still learning how to fall in love with my life.

And still learning how to fall in love with myself.

.

So anyway this is going to be my space.

Where I talk out loud about how even though I've spent 24 years in this body
I still don't know what I like or why I sometimes cry at a Charmin commercial.

You'll be subject to read about my hot mess shenanigans.

My painful divorce with gluten...
My horrible cooking experiments gone wrong
all while I display my lack of correct grammar.

Friends and family have asked for awhile

and alas I finally caved.

So lo and behold.

I'm Kaelyn

and this is my word vomit documented in a (hopefully) easy to navigate manner.