The Unwanted Roomate

"There is so much that life offers and so often we cut ourselves off from the things that has given us joy because of feelings of betrayal, shame, frustration or simply abandonment. These emotions are the key to finding freedom in this life. All of us have these emotional experiences. How we handle these experiences and learn to see past them, we will see it has taught us compassion, acceptance, understanding, and wisdom. The ability to see past the bad and into the good is essential for learning to live a happy life"

A client wrote me this wonderful letter.

the above quote is an excerpt from it.

I'm struggling

Struggling with what you ask?

lets just keep it simple and say everything.

(Que extra dramatic sentence so you really FEEL me)

I feel like I've been on the struggle bus so long

 I've forgotten that there was a time where I wasn't on it.

The thing about sadness is its a liar

it makes you feel like your alone

it makes you feel defeated.

It makes you feel like all roads lead to the same place and in the end it wont matter.

Apparently I love to feel worthless.

I also love to find things that make me feel as such.

I like to feel validated in my worthless-ness.

Worthless and I are like two peas in a pod.

BESTIES 4 LIFE
I got the tattoo on my ass just to prove it.
(jk not really) 

When worthless showed up a couple of years ago I was super skeptical.

But after awhile he just kept showing up.

I'm a big fan of consistency so...

I just kind of got used to him

  I kind of left him unchecked for awhile.

Until one day someone asked me what was up with him.

I checked it out and lo and behold he had moved himself in.

Built a nice flat.

Had a couple of babies.

Also, turns out he is a very destructive renter.

Actually Worthless is a lot like the Mucinex guy from the commercials.

I wish Mucinex would work on Worthless...

ANYWAYS

About two years ago I started moving his stuff out and cleaning up shop.

Which was and is to this day so hard.

He was so predictable and familiar and in the worst way he was comfortable.

and maybe just the right amount of toxic to make me feel like I had some illusion of control

the good days.

they grow longer and longer.

the bad days grow shorter and shorter.

but they still exsist.

which is frustrating.

so unbelievably frustrating.

I know hes no good.

I know if I let him in all he will do is destroy.

but sometimes, sometimes it's nice to have him stay for the night you know?

sometimes its easier.

it's so much easier to let him stay.

But the destruction, is the worst.

walking into a room I've spent so long tying to clean up only to see it in shambles again is the worst.

realizing it has won again

is the worst.

Why is it so easy to feel like a failure?

Why is it so hard to remember the good

and so easy to remember the bad?

Why is it that we cut ourselves off and self sabotage?

Why is it so hard to be kind to ourselves?

Why is it that we feel like we've moved backwards if we find ourselves back where we started?

But we don't recognize how long its been since we've been back there.

we are fighters.

learning to handle our humanness.

and yet we can extend forgiveness to others

but never to ourselves.